Relationships

I have admitted I am bad at relationships. I have 39 years experience of walking away when things changed instead of fighting to keep something. It is very much an unintentional learned behavior. This behavior has caused a tremendous amount of pain to myself and others. God created us in His image and to be with Him and He still knew that people needed other people. How absurd is it for us to think we can stand on our own? Why do we think we can only show the happy side, the pretty parts, the picture perfect aspects? Life is not pretty. God promised life more abundant, but He didn't specify which parts of life would be more abundant. Life with Him allows to always keep hope and have joy regardless of whether we see the light or the darkness. We can't undo our past. We can't make other people forgive us or build relationships with us. But we can build a relationship with Christ and allow that to be what keeps us. We can open our hearts to those He puts in our lives and support each other.
I have no money to give and I can't be there physically. I am not perfect and I don't have all the answers, BUT message me, call me, text me, email me - you are not alone.

I wonder . .

I wonder how many of us suffer from depression unnecessarily. I will not deny that there can be medical & chemical causes for depression. But I also think we separate ourselves, for various reasons, and trigger the path of depression.

I stink at relationships. I expect them to end. I don't know how to maintain them unless someone needs me. I am bad at motivational speaking for myself and those closest to me. What's worse, for me, is that I see the cage. I know I need out, but I don't want out until I am perfect and I can't be perfect, so I stay. How sick is this?

I have no profound answers or words of advice. Just thoughts in this head of mine.

Be blessed today.

Where do I go from here?

I get it. I left. I made mistakes. I made choices. Somewhere along the way, in an effort to hope others would be happy I told myself my happiness didn't matter. I wasn't worthy. I didn't deserve to be happy. Even God, who is love, didn't love me enough to not give me more than I could handle. So, I withdrew. I didn't want my struggle, my issues, the darkness to impact others. And it grew. The darkness went from a place to hide to a roiling monster swallowing me whole.

I need a relationship. A true, honest, real friendship. But the risk. I see flashes of light at the far end of the tunnel, but I need help to get there. Yet, there is always a reason to wait. One more example of why I'm not quite acceptable. I haven't done enough to make it better, to make it right.

Dear God, I believe, help me in my unbelief.

Steps

For months it's been swirling around in my head. I saved pinterest posts about it. Hinted at it with a co-worker I know I shouldn't let in. Finally brought it into a conversation with a loved one to be told the thought was stupid. So today, after a couple of weeks of being a little better, I felt it trying to drag me down. I almost wanted to slip into the darkness. But God. So, I stopped and took a breath. I didn't know what to say. Honestly, I still felt that even having these thoughts and feelings was proof I wasn't even worthy to speak to Him. Then I remembered, "Oh, Lord. Thank you, Jesus". He knows me better than I know myself. He knows my heart and my mind. He meets me where I am. Today, I posted my struggle on facebook. Why would I do that? What is the importance? Facebook is public. Facebook is where the people I love live their lives without me and in support of those who will no longer claim me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not innocent in this division. But it is there, so it's best if I keep quiet.

The only response I received was one set of question marks. That's ok. I would have preferred a text or a phone call, but I understand. Also, now that I think about it, vague posts are deemed as cries for attention. I think I understand that better, too.

But today was a better day than it could have been. I didn't go to the dark place and I admitted the struggle. Two tiny steps, but they were mine.