I get it. I left. I made mistakes. I made choices. Somewhere along the way, in an effort to hope others would be happy I told myself my happiness didn't matter. I wasn't worthy. I didn't deserve to be happy. Even God, who is love, didn't love me enough to not give me more than I could handle. So, I withdrew. I didn't want my struggle, my issues, the darkness to impact others. And it grew. The darkness went from a place to hide to a roiling monster swallowing me whole.
I need a relationship. A true, honest, real friendship. But the risk. I see flashes of light at the far end of the tunnel, but I need help to get there. Yet, there is always a reason to wait. One more example of why I'm not quite acceptable. I haven't done enough to make it better, to make it right.
Dear God, I believe, help me in my unbelief.
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