Today

One year ago today the fabric of our family changed. The rip in the fabric is actually in the extended family, but the pull, the snag, the run was felt throughout the family and across the country.

Gary Mayer was a kind, generous, and giving man. On March 16, 2009 Uncle Gary gave the ultimate gift. He was shot and killed by a man who was waiting for Uncle Gary's daughter. That man then took Uncle Gary's jeep and went to Uncle Gary's house where he later hung himself.

The day was full of shock, disbelief, grief, fear, anger, confusion, sorrow, and many other human emotions. Many of us headed towards St. Louis before the killer had been located, some packing themselves.

During the week that followed we saw the best and worst of a large family, but one thing was consistent - nobody knew how to process this. As a result, we changed. Some, I believe changed for the better, others not so much. But we all changed, thus changing the family forever.

Today I wish we could all be together and put the insanity of the past year behind us. I wish we could take a day to pull together the way we did then and remember that we are a family and, through differences and hurts, we love each other.

Uncle Gary, we love you and miss you. Aunt Cindy, Mara, Kim, Amanda - we love you and pray you are walking strong. To the rest of the family - I pray we find a way back to each other. Those you love most are the ones who can hurt you the most. They are also the ones you need to reconcile with the most as family, even extended, is the foundation of who you are.



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Part of the Journey

It has obviously been quite a while since I found my last "pearl." Trust me, I've been looking. Unfortunately, I still can't say "Aha, there is one," but I can tell you a little about the journey.

Over the past year I have struggled with anger, frustration, unforgiveness, distrust, sorrow, fear, and disbelief.

First and foremost, my anger towards God is gone. I may not understand it all, but He is God, He is Love, His ways are higher than mine, and He is in control.

With that said, while I find small pools of peace in Him, I still carry the other burdens. Some lighter, some heavier, and some heavier due to my own actions. Launching into further details or exploration at this time is likely to result in rambling, so let me end with thus tiny grain of sand - hopefully it will one day turn into a pearl.

God gave each of us our own will. Therefore, it quite possible that we will not always agree on what is right, even in what seems a cut and dry situatio, and our words and actions will reflect those disagreements.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone