Insanity Plea

This was supposed to be my journey to gaining wisdom. The problem is, I have shut myself off. I let the "bigness" of what is around me overwhelm me and I have tried to hide in a corner.

It doesn't work. Thankfully, God has not given up on me. He has continued to place people in my life to remind me, encourage me, and challenge me. I need Him. When it comes down to it, I can't let the "little things" keep me from what is The MOST important - my relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

In the world today we face decisions regarding jobs, education, family, money, and many more things. Trying to do what is right & best without seeking God first is insane. I, apparently, am insane. So today, I aim to stop the insanity. I keep trying to do my own thing my own way and yet I expect it to work, when it never has. Silly Dawn. Tricks are for kids. And I am no longer a kid, and I shouldn't be such a baby in the Spirit either. I know better. In my head AND in my heart.

God forgive me.


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"The House That Built Me"

I have recently fallen in love with a song Miranda Lambert sings, "The House That Built Me."

Our family moved enough, there really isn't one house that built me. Although, the house that meant the most to me was my Granny's house in East Texas. But while listening to this song, I realized that "The House That Built Me" was really some of my old friends.

My favorite part of the song is the chorus -

I thought if I could tough this place, or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it's like I'm someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could just come in, I swear I'll leave
Won't take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Isn't it awesome. To sit back and think about the people/places that made you who you are. I started this blog because I was missing. I still haven't figured it out yet. I have too many questions and not sure where to start the rebuilding process. But I know there are people who have touched my life in ways they may not even realize. I am going to take a moment to list the name of some of the most influential people in my life, even if we parted on bad terms. You need to know that I am grateful for our time together. Please don't be offended if you're not mentioned. It doesn't mean I don't love you.

The House That Built Me

Robert, Terrie, Naomi, and Glenn Searle - my family
Linda Cole
Catherine Just
Robert Cole
David Cole
Sherry Rasmus
Aubrey Dawn Blankenship
Dana Dawn Puente
Joshua Ostertag
Pastor Kevin and Becky Harrison
Brian Brisendine
Joe Moore
Patrick Leavitt
Daniel and Crystal Kimberlin
Lauren Doan
Jason and Jessica Rasmus
Jason Faulkner
Natalie Yearego
Eric and Patricia McAlister
Glenn and Leslie Turney
Teresa Kanimaya
Rose Rich
Jai Blevins

There are many others who were part of the decor of "The House" at different times. But these were my foundation, walls, and roof when I needed them most. So, if I show up unexpectedly, just let me walk around your world for a moment. I'll only take a memory.

Updates

2 1/2 weeks later and things are less emotional, but still I just don't get it. Add to that some more drama that raises questions about the "good" people, and I just have to shrug my shoulders and keep working.

Outside work has it's own drama. Apparently some people have control issues and they haven't learned from past mistakes. Yes, you may the right to make all the rules, but that does not mean all the rules you make are right. Not to mention that as a Christian, the example of love and forgiveness should be there, and it isn't. I also find it ironic that I was accused of not wanting to be part of a family, yet my being part of that said family is conditional upon only following their rules. Really? On top of that, I was assured a precious treasure would no longer be the "bait" or bargaining chip. But that's not true. It's still happening. And another sad part of this is the loss of another type of family because people have to choose sides and can only see what they know. It's not that they're bad, it's just their own personal experience and feelings. We're all that way.

Good news is, that we have another part of our family, that has been hurt, and still chooses to love and seems to have forgiven. I still have to count my blessings. I just hope my husband knows how much I love him and how sorry I am for my part in this drama.

That's all for tonight. I don't want to keep going down the road of complaining. I have a wonderful husband, a home, a good job, a car, and a great family that I get to see this weekend. God is good.

Really? Seriously? Are you kidding me?

Shell shock. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Concern. Anxiety. Angry. Hurt. Lost. Alone.

What happened? The company downsized. And let go of some good people, while keeping the ones who cause the need to downsize. One of the victims slept in his chair the night before because his wife was upset that he had put the company first and gotten up in the middle of the night to go lock up the building. That's gratitude for you.

I wish I would tell the company they were successful. They were successful in demonstrating that honesty, integrity, ethics, experience are not important. They were successful in showing that they value shady dealings, false numbers, blackmail, and the opposite of what most of the world would consider right and upstanding.

Everything we were fighting for is gone. Where do you go from here? What do you do when you land in the exact position you worked so hard to avoid?

I guess you take a moment to breathe, then get up and put one foot in front of the other until you can find a better path.

But still, wow. Really?

Now What?

Am I really ready? Am I certain I'm ready to accept the responsibility that comes with wisdom?

I don't have the answer to that question yet. Nor I have I decided to jump in and deal with what comes my way. No, I am simply sitting back and letting the ocean of life toss me about and I still won't find the pearls I need, for they are deeper.

It should mean something that I know this about myself, but it doesn't. I know a lot of things that don't do me any good. Many times they say "Knowledge is power." That is only true is you USE that power.

James 2:19-20
Thou believest that there is one God; thou doest well/ the devils also believe and tremble. But wilt thou know, O vain man, that faith without works is dead?

The revelation of the truth that there is only One God is not enough. We must use that understanding and show our faith by our works.

Now for the tough part.

I KNOW that. In my heart I know there is ONLY ONE GOD and His name is Jesus. I know we are told to "Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of your sins and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost"- Acts 2:38
I also know that God has called His church to be separate from the world, to not be fooled by the traditions of men, and to not be lovers of pleasure more than lovers of him. So that raises the question " what isnit okay for a born again, one God, baptized in Jesus' name, Holy Spirit Christian to do?" Especially since the Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 10:23 that "All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me but all things edifying not"

The conviction is between me and God, but He gave us apostles, prophets. Evangelists, pastors, and teachers for the work of the ministry to perfect and edify- Ephesians 4:11-12.

So where does that leave me? On the other hand what sacrifice is too great for the One who created me and died for me? What shouldn't I give up just to be closer to Him?

I need to make a move. Any move is better than none. Revelation 3:15-16 tells us that God prefer that we be hot or cold, not lukewarm.


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Today

One year ago today the fabric of our family changed. The rip in the fabric is actually in the extended family, but the pull, the snag, the run was felt throughout the family and across the country.

Gary Mayer was a kind, generous, and giving man. On March 16, 2009 Uncle Gary gave the ultimate gift. He was shot and killed by a man who was waiting for Uncle Gary's daughter. That man then took Uncle Gary's jeep and went to Uncle Gary's house where he later hung himself.

The day was full of shock, disbelief, grief, fear, anger, confusion, sorrow, and many other human emotions. Many of us headed towards St. Louis before the killer had been located, some packing themselves.

During the week that followed we saw the best and worst of a large family, but one thing was consistent - nobody knew how to process this. As a result, we changed. Some, I believe changed for the better, others not so much. But we all changed, thus changing the family forever.

Today I wish we could all be together and put the insanity of the past year behind us. I wish we could take a day to pull together the way we did then and remember that we are a family and, through differences and hurts, we love each other.

Uncle Gary, we love you and miss you. Aunt Cindy, Mara, Kim, Amanda - we love you and pray you are walking strong. To the rest of the family - I pray we find a way back to each other. Those you love most are the ones who can hurt you the most. They are also the ones you need to reconcile with the most as family, even extended, is the foundation of who you are.



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Part of the Journey

It has obviously been quite a while since I found my last "pearl." Trust me, I've been looking. Unfortunately, I still can't say "Aha, there is one," but I can tell you a little about the journey.

Over the past year I have struggled with anger, frustration, unforgiveness, distrust, sorrow, fear, and disbelief.

First and foremost, my anger towards God is gone. I may not understand it all, but He is God, He is Love, His ways are higher than mine, and He is in control.

With that said, while I find small pools of peace in Him, I still carry the other burdens. Some lighter, some heavier, and some heavier due to my own actions. Launching into further details or exploration at this time is likely to result in rambling, so let me end with thus tiny grain of sand - hopefully it will one day turn into a pearl.

God gave each of us our own will. Therefore, it quite possible that we will not always agree on what is right, even in what seems a cut and dry situatio, and our words and actions will reflect those disagreements.

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First Found Pearl

Okay, this really isn't a "pearl" of wisdom, but it is good advice. DO NOT BUMP YOUR HEAD. Some will find that statement funny, some will just chuckle at the seemingly weird randomness of such a statement. But I can tell you, from personal experience, it's always best to not hit your head. It has been just over two weeks since my most recent, yes, I said most recent, concussion and I still occasionally feel an "after shock." I really am okay, so there is no need for alarm or worry. I just feel the need to warn other people. Maybe instead of "not meaning to hit their head" they will actually try NOT to hit it. Take my word for it - working in a dark office, wearing sunglasses in the house, and missing your daughter's birthday party because of the noise is no fun, lonely, and kind of miserable.

Well, have a great evening and watch your head!


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Missing Pearls

Precious and priceless are the pearls of wisdom...now I just need to find some!

Have you ever felt that way? You know that the ability to know what to do is invaluable, but you have no idea how to get there. It's that feeling that led to the creation of this blog. I will not bore anyone with all the details at this time. Neither do I want to share so much people simply label me a whined in a potty party. Basically I know that I need to gain wisdom and understanding and I have decided to share the search for the missing pearls in hopes you, too will be able to add insight. Have a blessed day.
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