Can I be honest?

Yesterday I finally admitted, out loud, the biggest stumbling block in my relationship with God. Well, it may only be the 2nd biggest because I can be lazy and procrastinate on doing my part to maintain any relationship. But, back to some honesty - even though, I KNOW that God loves me and wants what is best for me and wants to use me, I don't trust Him. Let me continue, I know He provides, I see Him do it, but I expect Him to keep punishing me because I am such a screw up. I can only understand some of the things that have happened as a punishment or consequence for me being wrong. Although, while typing I am reminded of a song about not understanding in this life.

Yeah, maybe this is more of a pity party, I don't know. All the good things of God, I KNOW and have seen and believe. But, since I'm not "right" - what "right" is is a long journey and no, it's not just being Pentecostal - then I must be punished. Surely that is why some of my most desperate prayers haven't been answered. Make sense to me. But that's also just an excuse to not let go and let God. And isn't me trying to be in control what I do wrong that I must be punished for?

Yesterday our car died. We already have one vehicle parked because it won't run and no way to fix it. And then my car wouldn't start. We had to basically borrow money, and another car, to get mine running. My car still has major problems, but it was running last night. Hopefully God will allow it to run until we can get both fixed, but in the mean time Jai has a new job and a completely different schedule from me and we're back down to a shared vehicle.

Oh, did I mention we've moved? But our current residence is less than traditional, no it's not criminal or scary, but there are some people I refuse to tell because I don't want it to be used as further proof that we aren't fit to be part of their lives. We chose to live here because honestly, we're almost ready to just move back, and the thought of being chained here was too much to bear. Sometimes I think we never should have come here. Now all of us have new wounds and fresh scars. Of course fear is keeping me here, but maybe God is using that because I may have found a church family, but then again do I trust enough to be honest and free?

I was about to apologize for the rambling, but this is my blog, almost nobody reads it, and you are not forced to read it, so don't if you don't like it. I started this because I knew I had a journey to take and I needed a place to talk about it.

At this point all I can do is say Jesus. I don't even know what else to say. What am I calling His name for, maybe simply as the last string before I let go, to stop myself from falling into the abyss. The last bare thread of hope that He cares and can make something out of this mess. No, I'm not talking or thinking of ending life, but if I can't whisper that name or cry it in my heart, there is nothing left.

I'm so tired.

Dawn M Blevins

Do I Care?

That's a question I had to ask myself this evening. The answer at this point? I don't know. I do not wish ill or harm, but they decided I wasn't good enough, so our lives our separate. There those I miss and good memories to cherish with bitter sweet tears, but daily life is not full of hurt, anger, strife, disappointment, anxiety, fear, or resentment. This is the best gift I can give to loved ones and myself.

I passed the information to the one who should know, and now I'll leave it alone. I will just pray that God helps us all. I don't even know that I can pray for restoration to each other, but do hope we all find and keep relationships with God.

Do I care? I guess I do, but carefully.

Dawn M Blevins

Wait, I'm Still Alive

Recently a dear friend of mine started a blog because she needed an outlet to deal. There is a lot of emotional and physical trauma in her life right now and she needs prayer. I myself have found it difficult to reach out because I feel like I'm hiding part of the truth from her. I don't want to be part of the lie, but the lie is not mine and is not hers and it could hurt her unnecessarily. So, I just avoid direct conversation regarding that topic. But her need reminded me of my own little "journal." I actually have several partially filled notebooks with mixed up datelines because I still feel the need to write, and cry out, but am afraid to make it public and afraid to take it to the secret place. The Sanctuary. I want one again. Yes, I know, He is my Sanctuary, regardless of my physical location, but I still long for the place of safety where I can let my guard down.

This morning I am going to church with another dear friend. I'm apprehensive, and afraid of hoping for too much. Not to forget that I've found the weight I lost, and someone else's too, and I'm seeing some friends for the first time in a while. And what if I don't agree with their doctrine or theology, but wait, what do I believe? But right now that's not what matters. What matters is a place of fellowship in Christ. I miss being with other believers and the strength, peace, and encouragement that comes from that fellowship.

So, have a blessed Sunday and enjoy your day of rest.

Dawn M Blevins