Peace

I do not recall all the details but I remember having a school assignment to create my Crest. I honestly have no idea what I picked for the other three fields, but I remember learning that a field of blue represented peace and I wanted one section of blue with a bold black line crossing it diagonally as if to say "No peace." There is a vague recollection of my mother not being thrilled with that concept and then the memory fades.

Not knowing if I was in junior or senior high doesn't matter. What matters is that even then I knew something was not right in me. I remember being reported to the guidance counselor in junior high because a friend found a note I had written about it all being better if I were gone. I remember after high school being frustrated romantically and using a safety pin to scratch initials into my skin. Not enough that too many others would notice, but enough I wouldn't forget.

Was I a horrible person? That's debatable. I certainly made awful, hurtful choices. Looking back I wonder. I certainly was not living for Christ, though I had great passion in my younger years. Why did the devil try so hard to keep me from growing up? Why did he attack my mind and spirit? As an adult, I get it. More likely to reach others, so stopping my story is more important.

It's starting to click. The certainty of God's hand in my life as a young person was not my imagination. God had a plan for me. He still has a purpose. I have let the devil distract me for far too long. If he worked that hard, that long ago, God's plan must be awesome. I could feel shame and regret for the lost time, and I do understand I missed some blessings. However, God knew my path. His purpose isn't finished.

https://youtu.be/DXDGE_lRI0E

&

I saw something today and my first thought was "I want that" followed closely by "but why?" Most of us have seen the decorative "&" in different forms, on cakes, invitations, home decor, etc. I quickly remembered that I have a "B" for my home, so it was not about my marriage. I think the "&" draws us because we are not meant to do life alone. Even in our darkest moments when we are physically by ourselves, God is with us. He created us to desire relationships. Too often we put earthly relationships ahead of Him, but He uses people to bless and serve each other.

Thank you, for being part of my "&," I love you.

Small victories

Early this morning I woke up and started running numbers. Why? Because I have "tiny" problem with obsessive control. I started doubting my plan. It's not going to work. It's not going to be enough. I will have created another problem and still not be prepared when something breaks. These same thoughts have kept me chained in fear. I don't take risks, not because I don't want better, but because I fear worse.

Then, I went to the Bible. Why? Because even on the day I am running behind and barely pay attention, it breaks the cycle of the negative thoughts. I might find the most mind-blowing spiritual revelation. I might read the begats. Either way, God has now been placed as a shield in my mind. Which makes it infinitely easier to remember His promises, His protection, His provision, and His love when the thoughts try to come back.

I wish I had really understood before. I was told. I started to learn and then let it go. One verse and a one sentence prayer: Thank you, God, for Your grace and I need You, today. Simple? Yes, but oh the sound of the chink it makes in the chains holding you down.

I still don't know what's going to happen. I can make the right choices and still face adversity. My job, my privilege, is to learn how and to keep walking in Christ. I won't be perfect, but I will be forgiven.

God has plans, live where you are.

“Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper.” Yes, this is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says: “Do not let the prophets and diviners among you deceive you. Do not listen to the dreams you encourage them to have. They are prophesying lies to you in my name. I have not sent them,” declares the Lord . For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:5‭-‬9‭, ‬11 NIV https://bible.com/bible/111/jer.29.5-11.NIV

These people weren't just having trouble paying bills or dealing with an illness. They had been captured by another country and taken to a foreign land. And God told them to LIVE. He said they were to seek peace and prosperity for the captive city. Not just try, but to proactively work and pray for it. They were to make a life, continue the growth of His people until He came for them. Sound familiar?

Esther & the salvation of God's people

In the story of Esther king Xerxes gives dominion over the Jews to Haman, who wants to kill an entire people for the slight of one man. The Jews are saved when the bride of the king, Esther, a member of the royal family and one of the people in danger, after prayer and fasting, puts her life on the line and is willing to die to save her people.

Sin came into the world thru Adam. Satan rules this world trying to keep us separated from God, killing us spiritually. But Jesus, who like Esther, is both part of the "royalty" and part of humanity gave His life to save us all.

I am sure other people have seen this and preached on it. I guess it's better late than never.

Prayer

PRAYER 
by Richard Chenevix Trench
Lord, what a change within us one short hour 
Spent in Thy presence will avail to make! 
What heavy burdens from our bosoms take! 
What parched grounds refresh as with a shower! 
We kneel, and all around us seems to lower; 
We rise, and all, the distant and the near, 
Stands forth in sunny outline, brave and clear; 
We kneel, how weak! we rise, how full of power! 
Why, therefore, should we do ourselves this wrong, 
Or others—that we are not always strong— 
That we are sometimes overborne with care— 
That we should ever weak or heartless be, 
Anxious or troubled—when with us is prayer, 
And joy and strength and courage are with Thee?

Just breathe

As the weekend comes to a close and we get ready for the week ahead, take a deep breath and exhale. That's it. Do it again. You're taking in life sustaining oxygen, letting it work in your body, and then exhaling something the earth needs for the plants and trees to grow and produce, among other things, oxygen. How amazing to realize that no matter what this part of your journey looks like, you are still an important part of the cycle. Keep breathing, it's a beautiful thing.

It's kind of like taking in God's Word. It has an impact and works in your life. Then God uses you to work in the world around you.

Just Watch

My life may
not make sense
to you, it often
doesn't to me.

You might not
understand what
I wasthinking,
it's okay, I might
not either.

Please just know
my journey is not
over.

Sit back and watch
the beauty God
is creating.