Steps

For months it's been swirling around in my head. I saved pinterest posts about it. Hinted at it with a co-worker I know I shouldn't let in. Finally brought it into a conversation with a loved one to be told the thought was stupid. So today, after a couple of weeks of being a little better, I felt it trying to drag me down. I almost wanted to slip into the darkness. But God. So, I stopped and took a breath. I didn't know what to say. Honestly, I still felt that even having these thoughts and feelings was proof I wasn't even worthy to speak to Him. Then I remembered, "Oh, Lord. Thank you, Jesus". He knows me better than I know myself. He knows my heart and my mind. He meets me where I am. Today, I posted my struggle on facebook. Why would I do that? What is the importance? Facebook is public. Facebook is where the people I love live their lives without me and in support of those who will no longer claim me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not innocent in this division. But it is there, so it's best if I keep quiet.

The only response I received was one set of question marks. That's ok. I would have preferred a text or a phone call, but I understand. Also, now that I think about it, vague posts are deemed as cries for attention. I think I understand that better, too.

But today was a better day than it could have been. I didn't go to the dark place and I admitted the struggle. Two tiny steps, but they were mine.