Peace

I do not recall all the details but I remember having a school assignment to create my Crest. I honestly have no idea what I picked for the other three fields, but I remember learning that a field of blue represented peace and I wanted one section of blue with a bold black line crossing it diagonally as if to say "No peace." There is a vague recollection of my mother not being thrilled with that concept and then the memory fades.

Not knowing if I was in junior or senior high doesn't matter. What matters is that even then I knew something was not right in me. I remember being reported to the guidance counselor in junior high because a friend found a note I had written about it all being better if I were gone. I remember after high school being frustrated romantically and using a safety pin to scratch initials into my skin. Not enough that too many others would notice, but enough I wouldn't forget.

Was I a horrible person? That's debatable. I certainly made awful, hurtful choices. Looking back I wonder. I certainly was not living for Christ, though I had great passion in my younger years. Why did the devil try so hard to keep me from growing up? Why did he attack my mind and spirit? As an adult, I get it. More likely to reach others, so stopping my story is more important.

It's starting to click. The certainty of God's hand in my life as a young person was not my imagination. God had a plan for me. He still has a purpose. I have let the devil distract me for far too long. If he worked that hard, that long ago, God's plan must be awesome. I could feel shame and regret for the lost time, and I do understand I missed some blessings. However, God knew my path. His purpose isn't finished.

https://youtu.be/DXDGE_lRI0E