Live

"It will take surgery to fix the problem, I know it's expensive, but if I told you that you had cancer and it would take $12,000 to keep you alive, you would find a way"

That's a paraphrase of what my doctor said to me a few months ago. In my head I kept thinking "You're wrong, you don't know me," however, it did prompt me to start questioning myself about what I would do if I were really given that prognosis. I'm not talking about the medical part, but the life part. What would I do with my life? Sadly, the first thought was to rebuild my relationship with God, not in an attempt to appeal to Him to heal me, but so that I can spend eternity with Him. It's selfish either way, but it's honest. I said "sadly" because of the word "rebuild." It's horribly pathetic that I have let that relationship go. A lot of times I can find myself trying to justify my lack of trust or why it's so painful to believe and have hope, but really, as deep as those wounds are, they can't compare to His wounds or His love. Unfortunately, I keep letting myself be distracted by other things, some of them have a level of importance, but none of them should rank high enough to displace God, I mean seriously. If you're reading this you've seen some of my highs and lows and probably think "here we go again" and rightfully so. But this isn't about sharing my insights from God, this is just the only place I feel I can share what's been on my heart and mind lately. I have a wonderful husband and family, but this just seems difficult to discuss in the manner I want to discuss it. So here it is. I want to, as the country song says "Live like I was dying" it even questions "What would I do with it?" So, I want to live my life like there isn't tomorrow. I mean, the Bible tells us were not guaranteed our next breath, so why did it take the doctor almost offending me for me to get a clue? I don't know, but that's just more thing that proves God hasn't given up on me.

I guess I just need to ask you to say a prayer for me, maybe a short one every once in while, specifically asking that I find a way to be strong and consistent in my growth & relationship with God.

ps. Please ignore the grammar and punctuation mistakes, I just didn't take the time to edit.