Yesterday I finally admitted, out loud, the biggest stumbling block in my relationship with God. Well, it may only be the 2nd biggest because I can be lazy and procrastinate on doing my part to maintain any relationship. But, back to some honesty - even though, I KNOW that God loves me and wants what is best for me and wants to use me, I don't trust Him. Let me continue, I know He provides, I see Him do it, but I expect Him to keep punishing me because I am such a screw up. I can only understand some of the things that have happened as a punishment or consequence for me being wrong. Although, while typing I am reminded of a song about not understanding in this life.
Yeah, maybe this is more of a pity party, I don't know. All the good things of God, I KNOW and have seen and believe. But, since I'm not "right" - what "right" is is a long journey and no, it's not just being Pentecostal - then I must be punished. Surely that is why some of my most desperate prayers haven't been answered. Make sense to me. But that's also just an excuse to not let go and let God. And isn't me trying to be in control what I do wrong that I must be punished for?
Yesterday our car died. We already have one vehicle parked because it won't run and no way to fix it. And then my car wouldn't start. We had to basically borrow money, and another car, to get mine running. My car still has major problems, but it was running last night. Hopefully God will allow it to run until we can get both fixed, but in the mean time Jai has a new job and a completely different schedule from me and we're back down to a shared vehicle.
Oh, did I mention we've moved? But our current residence is less than traditional, no it's not criminal or scary, but there are some people I refuse to tell because I don't want it to be used as further proof that we aren't fit to be part of their lives. We chose to live here because honestly, we're almost ready to just move back, and the thought of being chained here was too much to bear. Sometimes I think we never should have come here. Now all of us have new wounds and fresh scars. Of course fear is keeping me here, but maybe God is using that because I may have found a church family, but then again do I trust enough to be honest and free?
I was about to apologize for the rambling, but this is my blog, almost nobody reads it, and you are not forced to read it, so don't if you don't like it. I started this because I knew I had a journey to take and I needed a place to talk about it.
At this point all I can do is say Jesus. I don't even know what else to say. What am I calling His name for, maybe simply as the last string before I let go, to stop myself from falling into the abyss. The last bare thread of hope that He cares and can make something out of this mess. No, I'm not talking or thinking of ending life, but if I can't whisper that name or cry it in my heart, there is nothing left.
I'm so tired.
Dawn M Blevins
As I read this, I am reminded of how we are a like in some ways. I, like you, know that God does and will do all those things, but I find my self wondering how I can believe in Him. I know that is not what you are saying here. I just wanted to say I struggle, too.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure of your situation right now in life, but I do know you are right where you are suppose to be. I know that that may not be comforting, but it is true. We all go through hard times some more than others. But how are we suppose to be able to share God's love and mercies and faithfulness, if we do not face trials. It is through those trials God makes us stronger. Our ultimate purpose is to glorify him and to enjoy him. Everyday we should start our day with the mind set to glorify him in what ever situation we are in. If those around us do not accept us because we aim to glorify him, then that is their decision. We are to not be unequally yoked with others. That is our family, friends, spouse, etc should be of like mind. If not we will most likely be struggling to hold to the word of God.
As far as finding yourself, Dawn you are a child of God. That IS who you are! I felt like I lost who I was, too, until God showed me that I was His child, and my purpose was to glorify him in my actions, thoughts, and words. I do not always glorify him, but my goal is to keep working at it.
I may not be making sense, but I pray something I said helps you. I love you, and I miss you! You are in my prayers.